RebKell's Junkie Boards

[beknighted]

Once again, it’s The Mascot Bracket, the best way not to pick your own bracket.

Same rules as always:

I pick winners and losers based on team nicknames and mascots. I use the names on the teams’ sites. To ensure that the results are as arbitrary as possible, I divide the mascots into five categories:

Occupations, which beat groups and mammals
Groups, which beat non-mammals and everything else
Mammals, which beat groups and non-mammals
Non-mammals, which beat occupations and everything else
Everything else, which beat occupations and mammals

When two teams are in the same category, I’ll pick the winner based on which one I think would win or, sometimes, which team it would be more amusing to have win. I try to avoid the temptation to flip a coin.

Here we go:

1st round

Albany

16 St. Francis Terriers over 1 Connecticut Huskies – This one’s based on how the mascots look on the teams’ sites – that’s the scariest Terrier I’ve ever seen, so UConn goes down in the 1st round for the 3rd year in a row
8 Rutgers Scarlet Knights over 9 Seton Hall Pirates – Knight on a horse over Pirate with a peg leg. (Who am I kidding? I picked the team I wanted to win.)
5 Texas Longhorns over 12 Western Kentucky Lady Toppers* – Cows stampeded over the hill
13 Wichita State Shockers over 4 California Golden Bears – In case you care, “Shocker” refers to harvesting wheat
11 LSU Lady Tigers over 6 South Florida Bulls – A predator-prey thing
14 Brigham Young Lady Cougars over 3 Louisville Cardinals – Cats eat birds
10 Iowa State Cyclones over 7 Dayton Flyers – Possibly my favorite matchup
15 Tennessee State Tigers over 2 Kentucky Wildcats – Size matters

*Pretty sure this is short for “Hilltoppers”; otherwise, the joke doesn’t work.

Spokane

1 Maryland Terrapins over 16 New Mexico State Aggies – Fear the Turtle!
9 Wisconsin Green Bay Phoenix over 8 Princeton Tigers – Phoenix came back from the dead in the 2nd half
12 Tulane Green Wave over 5 Mississippi State Bulldogs – Apparently Bulldogs don’t swim very well
4 Duke Blue Devils over 13 Albany Great Danes – Feels like a Scooby-Doo episode in reverse
11 Gonzaga Bulldogs over 6 George Washington Colonials – Bulldogs grabbed the lead and hung on
14 South Dakota State Jackrabbits over 3 Oregon State Beavers – speed kills
10 Pittsburgh Panthers over 7 Chattanooga Lady Mocs* – See BYU v. Louisville
2 Tennessee Lady Vols over 15 Boise State Broncos – The original Volunteers definitely rode horses

This bracket looks way too normal. It’s very troubling.

*”Mocs” is short for Mockingbirds, although apparently for a while they did something involving moccasins. (Really.)

Oklahoma City

16 Montana Lady Grizzlies over 1 Notre Dame Fighting Irish – Those Grizzlies are big
9 DePaul Blue Demons over 8 Minnesota Golden Gophers – Gophers went down their hole and never came back
12 Quinnipiac Bobcats over 5 Oklahoma Sooners – Not usually the way it worked out
4 Stanford Cardinal over 12 Cal State Northridge Matadors – Apparently waving red things doesn’t just work on bulls
11 Miami Hurricanes over 6 Washington Huskies – blown away
3 Iowa Hawkeyes over 14 American Eagles – Stephen Colbert would be mad
7 Northwestern Wildcats over 10 Arkansas Razorbacks – Wild pigs are pretty scary, but Wildcats are pure predators
15 Northwestern State Lady Demons over 2 Baylor Lady Bears – “Lady” seems like a funny prefix in both cases

Greensboro

16 Savannah State Lady Tigers over 1 South Carolina Gamecocks – See BYU v. Louisville and Pitt v. Chattanooga
8 Syracuse Orange over 9 Nebraska Cornhuskers – Oranges are better for you than corn.
5 Ohio State Buckeyes over 12 James Madison Dukes – JMU too well bred to fight it out with Brutus
4 North Carolina Tar Heels over 13 Liberty Flames – Heels avoid getting burned
6 Texas A&M Aggies over 11 Arkansas Little Rock Trojans – More advanced technology
3 Arizona State Sun Devils over 14 Ohio Bobcats – I’d be scared, too
7 Florida Gulf Coast Eagles over 10 Oklahoma State Cowgirls – Eagles swooped down to win the battle of the boards
2 Florida State Seminoles over 15 Alabama State Hornets – I think AL State got trampled

2nd round

Albany

8 Rutgers Scarlet Knights over 16 St. Francis Terriers – Knights beat even frightening dogs
13 Wichita State Shockers over 5 Texas Longhorns – They took away all the grain the Longhorns would have grazed on
11 LSU Lady Tigers over 14 Brigham Young Lady Cougars – Tigers have bigger teeth and claws
10 Iowa State Cyclones over 15 Tennessee State Tigers – sucked them right off the court

Spokane

1 Maryland Terrapins over 9 Wisconsin Green Bay Phoenix – Terps just keep plodding along
4 Duke Blue Devils over 12 Tulane Green Wave – Devils not scared of water
11 Gonzaga Bulldogs over 14 South Dakota State Jackrabbits – This one’s predictable
2 Tennessee Lady Vols over 10 Pittsburgh Panthers – The Volunteers had guns

Oklahoma City

9 DePaul Blue Demons over 16 Montana Lady Grizzlies – Blue Demons cast a spell
4 Stanford Cardinal over 12 Quinnipiac Bobcats – Good thing for Stanford that they’re the color, not the bird
3 Iowa Hawkeyes over 11 Miami Hurricanes – They flew through the eye of the storm
15 Northwestern State Lady Demons over 7 Northwestern Wildcats – Good day for the supernatural mascots

Greensboro

8 Syracuse Orange over 16 Savannah State Lady Tigers – I’m as surprised as you are
4 North Carolina Tar Heels over 5 Ohio State Buckeyes – Crushed them underfoot
3 Arizona State Sun Devils over Texas A&M Aggies – I told you they were scary
2 Florida State Seminoles over 7 Florida Gulf Coast Eagles – Apparently these birds aren’t sacred

Sweet 16

Albany

8 Rutgers Scarlet Knights over 13 Wichita State Shockers – Once the field is cleared, no place to hide from the Knights
10 Iowa State Cyclones over 11 LSU Lady Tigers – Swept away

Spokane

1 Maryland Terrapins over 4 Duke Blue Devils – Just like old times in the ACC
2 Tennessee Lady Vols over 11 Gonzaga Bulldogs – Those guns again

Oklahoma City

9 DePaul Blue Demons over 4 Stanford Cardinal – Even if they aren’t playing in a blue state
3 Iowa Hawkeyes over 15 Northwestern State Lady Demons – Hawkeyes dove on the Lady Demons

Greensboro

4 North Carolina Tar Heels over 8 Syracuse Orange – Heels have sticktoitiveness
2 Florida State Seminoles over Arizona State Sun Devils – Seminoles not scared of the sun

Elite 8

Albany

10 Iowa State Cyclones over 8 Rutgers Scarlet Knights – shocking to see a cyclone in upstate New York

Spokane

1 Maryland Terrapins over 2 Tennessee Lady Vols – This one’s in memory of Terry Pratchett.

Chalk. How disappointing.

Oklahoma City

3 Iowa Hawkeyes over 9 DePaul Blue Demons – They can see for miles and miles

Greensboro

2 Florida State Seminoles over 4 North Carolina Tar Heels – Seminoles rode circles around them


Final Four

1 Maryland Terrapins over 10 Iowa Cyclones – Proof I didn’t fix the bracket
2 Florida State Seminoles over 3 Iowa Hawkeyes – I assume you’ve seen the spear the FSU mascot carries.

Actually a semi-plausible final, if you think anyone can beat UConn.


National championship

2 Florida State Seminoles over 1 Maryland Terrapins – ACC revenge

As usual, I’ll enter this bracket in the ESPN contest, to see just how far down it will finish.

[Queenie]

Objection you had to know was coming: Pirates have ships. And cannon. Knights have lances and horses. A land battle favors the knights, but did you forget that Rutgers is on the banks of the old Raritan?

_________________
Ardent believer in the separation of church and stadium.

[FollowtheCardinalRule]

[beknighted]

[beknighted]

[pilight]

[GlennMacGrady]

[dtsnms]

The whole bracket is flawed from the outset!

Everyone knows a Husky would kick a Terrier's ass.

[Queenie]

[GlennMacGrady]

[ripleydc]

Is this like in horseracing, where the doors pop open and the players race out just before game time?

[beknighted]

[cthskzfn]

[beknighted]

I am proud to say that the Mascot Bracket already has lost an Elite 8 team.

[sigur3]

[beknighted]

[beknighted]

After 1 day, the Mascot Bracket is down one Elite 8 team and 2 more Sweet 16 teams, and is ranked 148,427, which puts it in the 0.8% percentile. I'm very disappointed that it's doing so well.

[sigur3]

Day is basically over now and 7 of 8 Elite Eight teams are still intact. MASCOT BRACKET FTW.

[beknighted]

[beknighted]

Sadly, the Mascot Bracket correctly picked two of the three 11-6 upsets and today's 11-3 upset, so it's still in the top 98.4%. I expect things to get worse tomorrow, though.

[beknighted]

I am terribly disappointed to report that the Mascot Bracket is - horrors! - climbing the rankings, and now is in the top 97.4%. The good news is that it's lost a Final Four team and 3 Elite 8 teams. The bad news is that, inexplicably, it got 9 of the Sweet 16 teams right.

[beknighted]

After yesterday, the Mascot Bracket had dropped down to the 1.6% level, but is back up to 2.6% after Maryland's and Tennessee's wins today. Luckily, there's a good chance that tomorrow will be a terrible day.

[beknighted]

The Mascot Bracket is now down to 2.1%, with no teams in the final. It won't finish close to last, but it may drop below 1% after Tuesday.

[beknighted]

Apparently everyone below the Mascot Bracket also picked against UConn, so it finishes the contest at 2.1%, meaning that somehow 3,140 people picked worse brackets. I'm very disappointed that the Mascot Bracket did so well. I will try harder next year.

[pilight]